"Remove the sense of injury and the injury itself will disappear" - Marc Aurelius

 One of the greatest minds of Philosophy of ancient times - Marc Aurelius once said those words...

The funny thing about this is - that these words were coming from the mouth of the mightest person in the world that the human knew that time - he could have just execute everyone that cross him, banish those people (which for some was the punishment greater than death), and he choose not to.

Why - because his mind, his stoic approach was able to distance it from such actions, and for him no harm from saying words - even the grievest - that just was not his problem. He was on a stance that Injury/harm is just in the mind of person offended - the words can harm you only if you let them. 

Should we let words hurt us? We sometime allow - but this does not mean we should allow this to happen. 

I am trying to think outside of such boundaries - this is difficult and will not be possible all the time - but even if from time to time i am able to follow the words of MA than i am already a winner. 

We sometimes here words coming from the different people - even the ones closed to us - then we need to think if those words are really hurting us - or might it be - that they only hurt our pride, and this should be irrelevant. The pride is something that is uselless - this only brings us down, and is not helping at all.

"Whenever someone has done wrong by you, immediately consider what notion of good or evil they had in doing it. For when you see that, you’ll feel compassion, instead of astonishment or rage."

Journal Log 8th of October...

 The autumn is here - and i feel like autumn myself - everything is falling down, and is just murky and dark. 

I just struggle to survive day after day - not going into details, topics that i cannot control, but at the same time i know that this is the only way we can have at all any influence on the things arround us - so the question is how to involve oneself - should we at all interviene or let it go - let it slip. and just watch projects crumbling down around us. 

This seems to be the motif of my life at least last couple of years - when i am the one that is mostly pushing toward the order in the ocean of chaos... that is not the best situation... i should not be responsible for restoring order in the chaos of our situation... this will not end up well...

Work on the things you have influence on ...

 Stoic approach is to make sure we know how to divide things we should plan and focus working on. 

The main division line is based on "Control", "Influence". Specificaly to make sure we know what and how we can control and influence... Epikret implemented  three groups 

1. Complete Out of control

2. Complete in Control

3. Middle control 

We should be focused on no 2 & 3 - wherever we do not have a shred of control we should be able to let it go - as our efforts to put it under control are futile and would not bring us any good. In contrary it would only do us harm - as we would be frustrated with the zero outcome of our actions. 

Think about all the time & actions you took to work on something that is just not worth your time - sometimes it would be better to sleep during that time - as it would be more ... efficient/effective.

The initial thing is to make sure we know the difference and we are able to walk away from the fight - which we cannot win in the first place.

.... Let it go...

Stay the f...k away

 Staying away - is something the most difficult part - staying away from problems, topics that are not assigned to us - especially if we feel very strongly they should be assigned to us, or we at least should be in the loop.

This is the problme we sometimes do meet, encounter - face... how to make sure we do not care that we are being omited by pass, etc...

I know i should not care - but sometimes it is just hard. Will keep strugling. One time i am winning sometimes i am loosing (most of the time)

Life seems like a Sinusoid ...

 it seems that i cannot catch a break - any time something is going up - and turning positive - another thing is blowing in my face. 

It is also like no matter what i would do - the outcome would be the same.

And here is the golden rule - "do not give a shit"... patience and humility - is the way to go - finding something else to do outside of work - this is the way to go.

Just before my PTO - i had already started the positive WoW - adding trainings/language learning etc - and it worked fine. I was able to do something outside office hours - i was starting to feel positive change - but the hollidays have turned everything into shit - now i am just starting to get back - and i feel positive again - becasue it seems to work.

I again have hope!

... at last.... maybe it is going to be fine

 At last - today we received a good news - she finaly made it to the School that she wanted - maybe not as a first choice, but hey... that is why you can always dream big.

but to be honest i think she was less stressed than us - the atmosphere at home was a dissaster... seriously... my wife was totally freaking out - and she was showing everyone - here only me - that she is not happy about - everything... now it can be finaly over - but let's see... we have 6 hours journey ahead of us today - so we will see... 

but for now i am happy... and the vacation for me starts in a week ;-) - roadtrip!!

... Once every few weeks ...

 ... there is a good day - a day when even if you are not able to say - "everything is perfect" - you are almost there. You just have this feeling inside your head/mind - that it is just fine! they way it should be. Positive even about such a stupid thing like going to the store to get yourself a deo ;-) or something similar. 

It is not that from now on everything will be perfect - it is just the moment when even the very wrong things about work (mostly it is about work) are not going to spoil your day, nothing will. Even if this is not the most exciting day - you are not looking into anything magnificient - you are just looking into very very small thing - like this shop, like walking the dog, like... i would say have a beer but it might sounds a little like one step closer to AA meeting - which in fact it is very far.

Very small thing - like a walk 2-3-4 and more kilometers with someone to get an ice cream. Just something very small, just to be able to get some rest - and maybe not that poluted air. 

Today i am there - i feel ok. Strange thing maybe due to some conversations with my wife ;-) but maybe not ;-)

Fuck Fuck FUUUUUUUUCK

 zero ambitions, zero work, zero sweat... 
Einstein once said: "Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration" 

My kids are only focusing onthe one percent - work - none, perspiraction... Cthuhlu protect us from hard work.... the problem is that they do not see any problem with that, and i am furious - as i cannot state my mind even in the premises of my own home... 

If i speak plainly i get the pushback from the whole family - only my dog is not pushing back - she is just fleeing ... i really hate this life... 

and i am afraid that nothing will change and i will keep supporting them all till i die... 

money wasted on additional tutorage... nothing - it is nothing... so why bother... 

no the approach is that kids needs to have life, fun, etc... yeah ok - let's talk in a while when they will be having fun on the street since they would not be able to support themselves...

Careful what you wish for

Why we should change anything, if the outcome of the change is clearly not going to bring anything that you would be happy about. 

even if for short period of time you would be the luckiest bastard in the world - at the end of the day - you will be wishing you have not change anything to start with. 

We always see - everything better on the other side - better life, better job, better money, better sex, better ... we do not see that what we are following might not be exactly what we want...

first of all - are you sure that the "better is really better" or is it just better because you do not have that - and you want that? If this is only something you want "just for the sake of wanting" then go buy yourself something - new game, new equipment, new... body even. this is going to be less disturbing than definate change... of the lifestyle (family even)

Be carefull what you wish for - cause you might just get it. 

Are we really sure we want something? this is not a game that you can make a "save" of current state - and if you do not like the change - revert to the moment you've started the change, and simple do not follow it. Sometimes i wish this could be different - but this would be too easy - and life is a game you play on "Immortal" level of difficulty ;-)... take it or leave it.

... and so it goes...

... too private to be seen - even if noone is reading it...

a little afraid of i might say

...Keep worrying... keep living....

 It seems that those are tightly connected - at least when it comes to me. Even trying to work around all the worries and troubles - they keep coming in the way, and shadowing the view. 

It does not matter how much i keep trying, and how many "wise" books i read, or how many smart people keep telling me - "do not worry" - it just does not work like that.... although of course i understand that this should be the way - still it is not working most of the time...

But i just think it is the way it is for me - so i will just keep living and worrying.

stay calm stay positive

Sometimes it feels like everything falls on me - despite the fact that i am the one that is busy most of the day - while the rest of the "squad" is not - playing, having fun outside, shoping, meeting people, riding somewhere i do not even know where... 

It is hard for me to stay positive - keep on smiling - while i think this is the only way to go. Will not be able to change anything, will not be able to improve - will only be able to destroy the rest of neutral atmosphere... so... the only way to go is to ...

"And I keep on smiling

Keep on moving
Can't stand still"

Sometimes it is just better - still thinking - if you cannot change anything, and the only outcome you might expect is everything getting worse - than - just

Brave enough to be.... avarage

 everyone thinks he/she is the star of our own movies... we are not... just take a look at the statistics... the percentage of stars/actors/singes/etc... is like ... even not percent... less then that ... the whole popilation is much bigger, and we still try... fight hard, fail, and repeat the same thing to fail again... 

and we are still in this rat race... the question is why - is it about being... famous... having more... sex? money? what exactly?

What is the reason behind us trying so hard to be ... famous? would we have more interesting lives? what is so boring about our lives? ... and still is the boring bad? 

most of us will die - after having mediocer lifes... and ? what? nothing? 

I do not need to be important - feel important - be the person other look to... i do not care anymore... avarage is good, avarage is where i feel ok, i feel good... where i ... succeed ;-)

On the ride - on the Sinusoid ...

 the whole weekend was a wild ride - starting with sending off the daughter to the Italy... and watching soccer with my son... it was nice, but a little dull in the second half - due to the effort from Scotland not my son. 

The saturday started with the "Olympics" for Junior - and it was pretty ok i must admit - i was relaxed and just watching him participating, talking to him and basicaly just being ... being there. i was happy about this part - and the repetition on Sunda was exactly the same, a little nervous since we were trying not to be late for POland game... we were not... but it was actually pretty ok - the whole weekend. was amazingly dull.... but the way i like it - i think this was one of the most ... active weekend, but at the same time i have a feeling that i have not done anything - but... i do not care... 

and then monday came - and again the same shit different day... yelling and screaming... and i have a feeling that i can deliver 95% of the work, but if i forgot about one stupid small thing - everything else does not matter - the only thing is important is the thing i have not delivered... and in such circumstances i feel like i do not need to even try harder... no matter what i do i will not succeed... but again...  i do not care.

Back and forth....

 ... sometimes i feel like in this story - about the IT guy who died under shower, becasue on the bottle of Shampoo there was a statement rinse and repeat... 

However strong i am trying to fight on the wrong "doings" - those are fighting back - and the fun fact is that i know this is not the correct approach/move it is still there and i am still doing those. How come? i have no idea... BUt is happens.... a lot.

Still i keep telling myself - that as long as i am aware - this is still a progress. Hope in couple of months it is going to be more than just awarness

Trying to break through the stagnation

 Every now and then we are in the situation when we just want & try to survive - the "bad time" - we see this keeps coming back - sometimes from work aspect of our life, sometimes from the private... family matters can sometimes hit us hard and strong.

what i want to do now, and need to do - is to focus on the task ahead - even despite the fact that i am tired and fed up with the tasks - and sometimes with the people - does not matter - i am just keep telling myself that this is what i need to do... i NEED TO DELIVER, I NEED TO FOCUS - ....

... after a while it will pass and i will be back on the right track. Just now i have enough... 

Step by Step - not rushing into ... anything

 Not that long ago - actually a month or so... i was under impression that we all are playing major roles in our movies... when you are thinking like that - you cannot get use to an idea - that you are just a very regular person. We cannot stand the idea that we are not the extraordinary, special people. We want to be the stars. 

We envy the other people that are being talked about by whole world - of course maybe not the villains, but the movie stars, rockstars (pop also), the enteprenours, the inventors, sportsman and woman... we cannot understand why we are just as regular as it could be...

It was (and sometimes still is) with me - i was looking for something more, my ordinary life was too boring for me - and if i was not in the middle of all the actions i was feeling that i am missing something, and i should rush more into everything. Only once i realize that this is not possible, and i would always be missing something - i am able now to breathe - and become more... rested, satisfied with what i am and who have i become... 

Of course sometimes still i feel like i am missing on things, but then i try to realize that this is also important and brave - to be ... noone ... noone special - or maybe we need to understand that we are special - but just for a few people in our life.... and even if for noone? then... whocares ;-)

Re-start

 Sometimes it is like it is - we need a special situation/hit/event - to think about the way we do operate. 

Sometimes it is not one single event - but a series of events/chances/situations. While observing my kids - especially my daughter - i see myself at primary/secondary school - and i would like to tell her  - what mistakes she is making, and how to avoid them - but it seems that we all need to make our own mistakes - and we cannot learn from mistakes of others - even the closest ones - or maybe we are not that close to our kids as we would expect or like to think.