... Once every few weeks ...

 ... there is a good day - a day when even if you are not able to say - "everything is perfect" - you are almost there. You just have this feeling inside your head/mind - that it is just fine! they way it should be. Positive even about such a stupid thing like going to the store to get yourself a deo ;-) or something similar. 

It is not that from now on everything will be perfect - it is just the moment when even the very wrong things about work (mostly it is about work) are not going to spoil your day, nothing will. Even if this is not the most exciting day - you are not looking into anything magnificient - you are just looking into very very small thing - like this shop, like walking the dog, like... i would say have a beer but it might sounds a little like one step closer to AA meeting - which in fact it is very far.

Very small thing - like a walk 2-3-4 and more kilometers with someone to get an ice cream. Just something very small, just to be able to get some rest - and maybe not that poluted air. 

Today i am there - i feel ok. Strange thing maybe due to some conversations with my wife ;-) but maybe not ;-)

Fuck Fuck FUUUUUUUUCK

 zero ambitions, zero work, zero sweat... 
Einstein once said: "Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration" 

My kids are only focusing onthe one percent - work - none, perspiraction... Cthuhlu protect us from hard work.... the problem is that they do not see any problem with that, and i am furious - as i cannot state my mind even in the premises of my own home... 

If i speak plainly i get the pushback from the whole family - only my dog is not pushing back - she is just fleeing ... i really hate this life... 

and i am afraid that nothing will change and i will keep supporting them all till i die... 

money wasted on additional tutorage... nothing - it is nothing... so why bother... 

no the approach is that kids needs to have life, fun, etc... yeah ok - let's talk in a while when they will be having fun on the street since they would not be able to support themselves...

Careful what you wish for

Why we should change anything, if the outcome of the change is clearly not going to bring anything that you would be happy about. 

even if for short period of time you would be the luckiest bastard in the world - at the end of the day - you will be wishing you have not change anything to start with. 

We always see - everything better on the other side - better life, better job, better money, better sex, better ... we do not see that what we are following might not be exactly what we want...

first of all - are you sure that the "better is really better" or is it just better because you do not have that - and you want that? If this is only something you want "just for the sake of wanting" then go buy yourself something - new game, new equipment, new... body even. this is going to be less disturbing than definate change... of the lifestyle (family even)

Be carefull what you wish for - cause you might just get it. 

Are we really sure we want something? this is not a game that you can make a "save" of current state - and if you do not like the change - revert to the moment you've started the change, and simple do not follow it. Sometimes i wish this could be different - but this would be too easy - and life is a game you play on "Immortal" level of difficulty ;-)... take it or leave it.

... and so it goes...

... too private to be seen - even if noone is reading it...

a little afraid of i might say

...Keep worrying... keep living....

 It seems that those are tightly connected - at least when it comes to me. Even trying to work around all the worries and troubles - they keep coming in the way, and shadowing the view. 

It does not matter how much i keep trying, and how many "wise" books i read, or how many smart people keep telling me - "do not worry" - it just does not work like that.... although of course i understand that this should be the way - still it is not working most of the time...

But i just think it is the way it is for me - so i will just keep living and worrying.

stay calm stay positive

Sometimes it feels like everything falls on me - despite the fact that i am the one that is busy most of the day - while the rest of the "squad" is not - playing, having fun outside, shoping, meeting people, riding somewhere i do not even know where... 

It is hard for me to stay positive - keep on smiling - while i think this is the only way to go. Will not be able to change anything, will not be able to improve - will only be able to destroy the rest of neutral atmosphere... so... the only way to go is to ...

"And I keep on smiling

Keep on moving
Can't stand still"

Sometimes it is just better - still thinking - if you cannot change anything, and the only outcome you might expect is everything getting worse - than - just

Brave enough to be.... avarage

 everyone thinks he/she is the star of our own movies... we are not... just take a look at the statistics... the percentage of stars/actors/singes/etc... is like ... even not percent... less then that ... the whole popilation is much bigger, and we still try... fight hard, fail, and repeat the same thing to fail again... 

and we are still in this rat race... the question is why - is it about being... famous... having more... sex? money? what exactly?

What is the reason behind us trying so hard to be ... famous? would we have more interesting lives? what is so boring about our lives? ... and still is the boring bad? 

most of us will die - after having mediocer lifes... and ? what? nothing? 

I do not need to be important - feel important - be the person other look to... i do not care anymore... avarage is good, avarage is where i feel ok, i feel good... where i ... succeed ;-)