... and so it goes...

... too private to be seen - even if noone is reading it...

a little afraid of i might say

...Keep worrying... keep living....

 It seems that those are tightly connected - at least when it comes to me. Even trying to work around all the worries and troubles - they keep coming in the way, and shadowing the view. 

It does not matter how much i keep trying, and how many "wise" books i read, or how many smart people keep telling me - "do not worry" - it just does not work like that.... although of course i understand that this should be the way - still it is not working most of the time...

But i just think it is the way it is for me - so i will just keep living and worrying.

stay calm stay positive

Sometimes it feels like everything falls on me - despite the fact that i am the one that is busy most of the day - while the rest of the "squad" is not - playing, having fun outside, shoping, meeting people, riding somewhere i do not even know where... 

It is hard for me to stay positive - keep on smiling - while i think this is the only way to go. Will not be able to change anything, will not be able to improve - will only be able to destroy the rest of neutral atmosphere... so... the only way to go is to ...

"And I keep on smiling

Keep on moving
Can't stand still"

Sometimes it is just better - still thinking - if you cannot change anything, and the only outcome you might expect is everything getting worse - than - just

Brave enough to be.... avarage

 everyone thinks he/she is the star of our own movies... we are not... just take a look at the statistics... the percentage of stars/actors/singes/etc... is like ... even not percent... less then that ... the whole popilation is much bigger, and we still try... fight hard, fail, and repeat the same thing to fail again... 

and we are still in this rat race... the question is why - is it about being... famous... having more... sex? money? what exactly?

What is the reason behind us trying so hard to be ... famous? would we have more interesting lives? what is so boring about our lives? ... and still is the boring bad? 

most of us will die - after having mediocer lifes... and ? what? nothing? 

I do not need to be important - feel important - be the person other look to... i do not care anymore... avarage is good, avarage is where i feel ok, i feel good... where i ... succeed ;-)

On the ride - on the Sinusoid ...

 the whole weekend was a wild ride - starting with sending off the daughter to the Italy... and watching soccer with my son... it was nice, but a little dull in the second half - due to the effort from Scotland not my son. 

The saturday started with the "Olympics" for Junior - and it was pretty ok i must admit - i was relaxed and just watching him participating, talking to him and basicaly just being ... being there. i was happy about this part - and the repetition on Sunda was exactly the same, a little nervous since we were trying not to be late for POland game... we were not... but it was actually pretty ok - the whole weekend. was amazingly dull.... but the way i like it - i think this was one of the most ... active weekend, but at the same time i have a feeling that i have not done anything - but... i do not care... 

and then monday came - and again the same shit different day... yelling and screaming... and i have a feeling that i can deliver 95% of the work, but if i forgot about one stupid small thing - everything else does not matter - the only thing is important is the thing i have not delivered... and in such circumstances i feel like i do not need to even try harder... no matter what i do i will not succeed... but again...  i do not care.

Back and forth....

 ... sometimes i feel like in this story - about the IT guy who died under shower, becasue on the bottle of Shampoo there was a statement rinse and repeat... 

However strong i am trying to fight on the wrong "doings" - those are fighting back - and the fun fact is that i know this is not the correct approach/move it is still there and i am still doing those. How come? i have no idea... BUt is happens.... a lot.

Still i keep telling myself - that as long as i am aware - this is still a progress. Hope in couple of months it is going to be more than just awarness

Trying to break through the stagnation

 Every now and then we are in the situation when we just want & try to survive - the "bad time" - we see this keeps coming back - sometimes from work aspect of our life, sometimes from the private... family matters can sometimes hit us hard and strong.

what i want to do now, and need to do - is to focus on the task ahead - even despite the fact that i am tired and fed up with the tasks - and sometimes with the people - does not matter - i am just keep telling myself that this is what i need to do... i NEED TO DELIVER, I NEED TO FOCUS - ....

... after a while it will pass and i will be back on the right track. Just now i have enough... 

Step by Step - not rushing into ... anything

 Not that long ago - actually a month or so... i was under impression that we all are playing major roles in our movies... when you are thinking like that - you cannot get use to an idea - that you are just a very regular person. We cannot stand the idea that we are not the extraordinary, special people. We want to be the stars. 

We envy the other people that are being talked about by whole world - of course maybe not the villains, but the movie stars, rockstars (pop also), the enteprenours, the inventors, sportsman and woman... we cannot understand why we are just as regular as it could be...

It was (and sometimes still is) with me - i was looking for something more, my ordinary life was too boring for me - and if i was not in the middle of all the actions i was feeling that i am missing something, and i should rush more into everything. Only once i realize that this is not possible, and i would always be missing something - i am able now to breathe - and become more... rested, satisfied with what i am and who have i become... 

Of course sometimes still i feel like i am missing on things, but then i try to realize that this is also important and brave - to be ... noone ... noone special - or maybe we need to understand that we are special - but just for a few people in our life.... and even if for noone? then... whocares ;-)

Re-start

 Sometimes it is like it is - we need a special situation/hit/event - to think about the way we do operate. 

Sometimes it is not one single event - but a series of events/chances/situations. While observing my kids - especially my daughter - i see myself at primary/secondary school - and i would like to tell her  - what mistakes she is making, and how to avoid them - but it seems that we all need to make our own mistakes - and we cannot learn from mistakes of others - even the closest ones - or maybe we are not that close to our kids as we would expect or like to think.